I saw someone post something like ‘you get one shot to lose my trust then it’s gone’. I almost replied with ‘yeah me too but you get like 3-20 years of repeated offenses and then I might get serious about ghosting you and giving you the cold shoulder’.
I’m an easy target. I’d like to believe I’m tough. I’m not. I like to think I’m shrewd not overly trusting. Also a lie. As an inherent unchangeable (because God knows I’ve tried) personality trait, I want to trust and consistently when I do I get nailed. Over and over. Many times by repeat offenders. There is a comical sadness to this story.
As I’ve gotten older I’m less embarrassed by my shortcomings or stating them for the world to hear and this is a big shortcoming. Because the more I’ve gotten nailed by those willing to take advantage of my trust the more I’ve built up so shoddy crooked but really strong walls where genuine people try to break through and they get shut down. It’s funny I can keep out the good ones but not the bad ones. Ok, it’s not that funny.
Part of me knows in my failing struggles to change this flaw, if I somehow manage to do so, all I would be doing is compromising who I am as a person. I’m pretty determined if I really wanted this changed I would have done so by now. I guess I don’t want to change that much. Most people are good. That’s why when we encountered the jerks they seem so jarring. We’re not used to that behavior. Maybe not.
Either way cynicism and I don’t mix very well. Even if the older I get the more cynical I get. I understand people like Emily Dickinson and Howard Hughes. Solitude is a good thing sometimes. But we’re meant to be around people.
I just probably need to practice my bob and weave technique a little more.