I’m back on the wagon writing this at 5:11am. Like clockwork, my insomnia has kicked back in. It took a break during the Christmas holiday when I slowed down and some of the responsibility got to slide a little. Now it’s back reminding me I still have reasonably young children I need to guide into decent adult humans, a thriving and rapidly growing business, desires to be a writer, and the truth that I may never find peace or contentment in life.
That last bit is what I’m going to write on today. I’m up because I couldn’t sleep but I’m dressed to go to my early morning bootcamp. I may or may not actually walk out the door and go. I haven’t been feeling it lately. I know if I go when I get back I will feel good about myself and irregardless of the god awful time of day I will be thrilled to know I already put in my exercise time and I am done for now.
When your brain never shuts off, life is a struggle. I am always thinking on one thing or another. I used to spend way too much time thinking about other people and their reactions to me and my reactions to them and the general glop and mess of human relations. That topic has run its course. It is what is it. I am who I am and people are who they are and the truth is there are only a finite number of people in the world you are meant to connect with. That doesn’t mean you can’t interact and thoroughly enjoy another person but you have to accept that there will be limitations that rule out the idea of ‘bff’ or other wholly subversive relationship ideas that are somewhat dangerous and borderline controlling, anyway.
Now I think on other things. Opportunites I’ve squandered, paths I could have taken and didn’t out of fear or discomfort, the future and what it might hold. None of it is very rewarding thinking. I like to beat myself up for reacting like a human, in flawed, confused and often inappropriate ways. It’s a favorite pastime of mine to bring myself up to snuff. I don’t need other people to make me feel bad about myself. I’ve got that shit covered all on my own. That game my older brother used to play with me when he’d take my hand and hit me with it saying ‘why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself?’. Yeah, that’s me.
Hence the early morning rises, the lack of focus during the day, the feeling I’ve wasted another day at then end of a day. I’m working on all this. Believe it or not, exercise helps, it clears the mind. So does working hard and staying busy with out it being frenetic. What also helps is blocking. Sometimes I don’t need to think about things. I can let my hunched up shoulders relax and forget about shit for a minute. It will be ok if I do.
I usually pick a personal flaw and inflict my heroine with it. It’s fun watching someone else suffer similarly. It’s also telling, sometimes a little sad and also a little revealing because my heroine never totally reacts to these ideas the way I would. Sometimes she totally breaks free of me and does something insanely out of my character and that is always eye opening. I had that inside me and maybe I need to let that out more often.
Well, the alarm clock I needlessly set last night just went off. Time to do some burpees. I’ll write about it later.